Archive for January, 2008

Overheard at a show.

Girl to her friends and apparently a few guys she didn’t know:

“I will hook up with anyone. I have very low standards. I’m at a low point in my life.”

Classy.

(Does this really work? If so, I’m going to start going up to really attractive guys and telling them, “Wow, you’re really a depressing example of human existence. Lucky for you, I have low standards because I have no self-esteem. Want to hook up in the backseat of my car?”)

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Monday, January 28, 2008 at 12:57 pm 2 comments

Get thee to a nunnery!

Sitting in my brother’s room, I noticed my copy of collected poems by Federico Garcia Lorca lying on his floor. I picked it up and it opened to a poem called “The Spinster at Mass.”

It was like a special message from God himself, telling me, “Aha, woman. Get yourself a cat and a pint of ice cream.” Either that or God has an awesome sense of humor.

(more…)

Saturday, January 19, 2008 at 6:10 am 6 comments

What Pabst Blue Ribbon does to me.

(Takes place in a very loud bar during a punk show. Yes, I attend punk shows. Yes, I enjoy punk music. No, I do not fit in. I am the sore, preppy thumb that sticks out, and I want to scream out that I had multi-colored hair in high school, could fit multiple small children in my baggy jeans, and was thus cool by late-nineties standards. I don’t think anyone would believe me, though.)

Sister: “I want [indecipherable].”
Me: “Band-aids?”
Sister: [Repeats word and makes upside down triangle with hands and a motion like she’s eating it with a utensil.]
Me: “Vagina?”
Sister: “PANCAKES.”

I swear, I am like a twelve year old who thinks everything is a reference to hoo hoos and wieners.

Sunday, January 13, 2008 at 12:59 am 2 comments

Things I have said to guys I thought were cute.

  1. “After I got my tonsils out, I lost my gag reflex.”
  2. “I get drunk off of one beer.”
  3. “Mmmphlll bluhhhh…” (Ejecting saliva-covered pseudo-words instead of intelligent conversation because I am a sad, shy excuse of a girl.)
  4. “My brother’s a drummer…?” (Attempt to be interesting. Guy looked sadly at me as if I were some pitiful, homeless puppy.)
  5. “Girls are bitches.”
  6. 80’s pop song lyrics. Usually accompanied by dancing. Usually accompanied by more than one said beer.
  7. “I don’t ever want to get married, either.”
  8. “I am actually a really sane, normal person, and if you date me, you will never find me crying my eyes out in the bathroom because a) someone looked at me in a way that seemed mean and judgmental and b) the potatoes sprouted and they’re really creepy.” Or something to that effect.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008 at 8:52 pm 1 comment

Next are dirty words and hoo hoos.

I have been cross stitching like crazy since New Years’. I am practicing for my crazy cat lady days when I will knit things out of cat hair and have nothing but prunes and Fresca to eat. And possibly mixed nuts.

I made this for my daddy. I made the bowling ball and bowling pin patterns myself because I was very, very bored and had nothing to do for two nights. My daddy was very happy, though. Viva la Crazy Cat Lady!

You can see what else I’ve made here.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008 at 10:49 pm 1 comment

Friday Finds – week 1, 2008.

anthropologie january 2008

Anthropologie’s new January things
Every time Anthropologie has new stuff, I want to bury myself in the website. Or just suddenly come into enough money to buy everything. Do I need this wall art and cookie stand to live? Obviously, yes. Durh. Plus any site that has home decor and clothes and accessories is my hero. Especially since the clothes aren’t sized to only fit teeny, tiny people without hips. (I am not ashamed to admit it – I could birth twins simultaneously due to the size of my hips. And they do not lie.)

Other goodies : shadow lace bowl, dandelion greens flatware, Bartholomeu bowl, Amelia espresso cup and saucer, sewing basket apron, acorn-sweet-acorn birdhouse, scrolled mirrors, Doolittle blouse, hazel hedge skirt, Clematis heels, Pilar peep-toes, pleated pinafore satchel.

eden

Eden Bed Linens : $29.95 – $119
I wish these came in another color besides orange (like blue or green or even black), but the simplicity of these are so nice, but still with enough interest and design to be pretty. You could still have printed sheets and not be going totally overboard.

fancy

Fancy Corduroy Bag : $65
It’s so pretty in brown corduroy with “fancy” in a cute little script, but the interior is what really makes this.

deer in forest wall art

Deer In Forest Wall Art : $68
Hey, I’m a sucker for deer and have been since I was a kid. It’s expensive, but would be pretty on a mantle or over a bed.

nixon

Nixon Chalet Watch : $200
I would totally wear this. It looks like a cross between those bracelets we used to wear as kids with the plastic bars interlinked with elastic and a basement in the 1970’s.

…And thus is your Friday Finds. In order to stick with this, I’m making myself do no more or less than five finds a week. It still took me a week to finish this entry, though. Yay, procrastination!

Friday, January 4, 2008 at 10:40 pm 2 comments

New Year’s, or “Is this year really over or did I drink myself insane?”

This has been the most insane year of my life.

(I take that back. It hasn’t been the most insane because I actually haven’t ended up in the hospital, loony bin, or any other zany psychiatric scenario. Nor have I procured any more fun diagnoses, and I think any book deals I might have wangled have probably been given to younger, more psycho-active Plath-esque types. I suppose I’ve peaked. Damn! Sanity is such a pain in the ass.)

The amount of shit that has happened in the past twelve months seems far too excessive for someone who would rather sit at home and watch The Fairly Oddparents while knitting than overcome a bout of shyness at a social gathering. (I tell myself it’s charming to stumble over one’s words and feet, but I can totally tell when I’m lying.) But I actually went out last year, did some stuff, met some people, and did not panic attack myself to death in the process.

I also attended a zombie attack; saw a band that dressed like zombies, as well as some other bands that were dressed more “normally”; was involved in a protest that was almost struck down by the wrath of God and / or a storm (depending on your political leanings); visited Nashville, New Orleans, and Pensacola, and returned home with hangovers, sunburns, and the worst smelling car ever for souvenirs; got my first speeding ticket over and pissed off the cop because I was amused instead of upset (I had just driven home from Nashville and was tired and… and… Dennis made me speed!); and was the happiest I’ve been for the longest amount of time since I was fourteen (this was pre- and post-shit hitting the fan, though).

In the first two days of this year I have discovered that my sarcasm does not register with people who have known me the whole of my existence; it is pointless for me to say anything during a family gathering unless I scream it multiple times while I simultaneously light myself on fire and stand on my head, and even then it is unlikely anyone will listen; and customers at Hobby Lobby are actually evil, demonic creatures with horns made of knitting needles who let doors slam in people’s faces and blatantly cut in line while clutching cheap knickknacks and cross stitch patterns of fat baby angels.

Excellent year thus far, I think.

Thursday, January 3, 2008 at 12:39 am Leave a comment


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