Archive for February, 2008

Emily vs. The Phone, Part I.

This post absolutely cracked me up. About once a month I get a phone call from someone who is absolutely positive that not only does my phone number still belong to some guy named Lanell (I think?), but that I am either covering for him or am, in fact, actually him. The calls usually go like this:

Me: Hello?
Person: ‘Sup?
Me: Nothing… Who is this?
Person: Who’s THIS?
Me: I think you have the wrong number? [Either this or in squeaky tones, “Emily?”]
Person: Where Lanell at?
Me: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.
Person: Quit playin’. Where Lanell?

And so on and so forth until I’m pleading and offering up my first born and such to get off the phone.

It’s better than when I was a young teenager and my number was one digit off from the Marriott’s. I’d have belligerent people call me and try to make reservations or want me to bring their bags in, and not understand that I was just a little thirteen year old and not a hotel chain. It hurt my self-esteem immensely! (But I also dyed my hair with Kool-Aid and had a crush on a guy who wore skirts, so my judgment was a little off.)

In related news, I just turned on my cell phone for the first time since Christmas. We’ll see how many days it takes before I hate it again.

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Sunday, February 17, 2008 at 1:06 am 1 comment

My Valentine is the flu. I call him George.

We’ve been together two weeks and two days now.

I’ve made my seventh annual Valentine’s Day mix, and I’m sharing it for the second year in a row. I can’t remember what was on last year’s, and I may have repeated a song or two, but suck it! I’ve included album art, too. Ooh, ahh.

valentine’s day mix 2008
  1. Pat Benatar, “Love Is A Battlefield”
  2. Rick Springfield, “Jessie’s Girl”
  3. Adam Sandler, “Love Stinks”
  4. A-Ha, “Take On Me”
  5. Elastica, “Connection”
  6. Modern English, “Melt With You”
  7. ABBA, “Waterloo”
  8. Belle & Sebastian, “I Don’t Love Anyone”
  9. Nellie McKay, “I Wanna Get Married”
  10. Lee Hazlewood, “Your Sweet Love”
  11. Laura Nyro, “Goodbye Joe”
  12. The Lemonheads, “The Outdoor Type”
  13. The Get Up Kids, “Valentine”
  14. Rilo Kiley, “Pull Me In Tighter”
  15. Elvis Costello, “Alison”
  16. Old 97’s, “Big Brown Eyes”
  17. Social Distortion, “Ball and Chain”
  18. The Weakerthans, “The Reasons”

There’s a bunch of vapid ’80’s pop in the beginning, but I think I evened it out. Plus I didn’t want to make anyone suicidal, which I tend to do to myself with my Valentine’s mixes. (“OH GOD ROSIE THOMAS/LIZ PHAIR/EMO BAND YOU UNDERSTAND MY LONELINESS I WANT TO DIEEEEEEE NOW I WILL GO WATCH BRIDGET JONES,” etc.)

Speaking of Liz Phair, I frucking forgot one song. I have spent many nights playing the original over and over, crying into my pillow until snot ran down chin, my face looked like a tomato that had been punched, and GOOD GOD how attractive is that?

Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm 1 comment

My psychic predictions for 2008.

Note: I wrote this in the beginning of January, but never posted it. Since several of these things have occurred, however, I am posting it now. I am obviously very psychic and you should be paying me $3.95 for every minute you read this blog. The ones I’ve italicized have already happened.

  1. Someone will win the presidential election in the U.S., and some people will not be happy with the outcome. People on TV will bitch and argue.
  2. Britney Spears will do something cuh-razy! (Happened!)
  3. Some viral video will circulate the Internet. It may or may not involve poo.
  4. Global warming will continue to impact life. People will be vaguely concerned but still blast their A/C on the really hot days and not get the connection.
  5. I will get drunk on a single bottle of beer and do something stupid. (Obviously!)
  6. There will be some really bad weather. (Yesterday! And in my city, too.)
  7. A celebrity will die. (Yep and yep.)
  8. A celebrity couple will break up. (At least one couple has.)
  9. Kids will find a new style to be excited about. Lots of people who have not finished puberty will dress in said style, and all will claim to be completely original and individual.

Montel Williams totally needs to book me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 9:59 pm 3 comments

One flu over the cuckoo’s nest.

I thought the flu was supposed to be an urban legend, like dates that steal your kidneys and sane celebrities. But, OH NO, I have it. I even have a strain that was unexpected and thus not included in the flu shot this year. Not that it matters because I never get the flu shot, anyway.

Besides the actual flu, I spent one day vomiting after taking Tamiflu, and I hallucinated most of last night and was unable to sleep because things kept crawling down the walls on top of me.

I’ve also been having the most bizarre dreams. Last night I had this incredible, long, detailed sex dream. It was awesome – except that I was having sex with Carrot Top. Motherfucking Carrot Top. It was the hottest dream ever, and I have to say I think I have a flu-induced crush now. And, yes, in my dream, the sex happened because I wanted to know if the carpet matched the drapes.

My brother’s band, The Drawls, is playing an out of town show tonight, and I had kind of wanted to go, but that’s obviously not happening. It may be just as well because Walt (brother) had said I could caravan with his friends, but I told him they would probably tattoo me in my sleep, and I’d wake up to them all singing, “Gooble gobble, one of us!” as they shaved my head. Those crazy kids.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 at 3:05 pm Leave a comment


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