Archive for June, 2008

Tragic spinster, I am not.

Looking over this blog (as well as some other things of mine online), I’ve kind of realized I may come across as a desperate, Bridget Jones-type.

My tagline – “The Semi-Daily Lifelog of a Twenty-Something Spinster” – is meant to be a joke, mainly at myself. I will fully admit to previously being Bridget-ish in the past – crying over Valentine’s Days alone, wanting to smack everyone I heard was getting married, looking over my shoulder every time I went out in case THE ONE was around. For years and years all that amounted to absolutely nothing, and I came to the conclusion that I was horribly flawed, emotionally deformed, and physically repulsive.

So, there I was, beating the shit out of myself for years while everyone else got degrees and husbands and babies. Since I had none of the above, it stood to reason that I was a failure. And repeating to myself that I was one didn’t make me wake up one day and think, “Gee, I better get off my ass and quit this failing shit.” I just assumed failure was a permanent part of my personality and life.

At some point last year I realized that success is subjective. And along with that thought came the idea that perhaps not being in a relationship wasn’t a failure, either. I had always thought that if I had a boyfriend, it somehow validated my self-worth or would prove in some way that I was important or desirable or whatever adjective I felt I was lacking at the time. But I dated guys, and I never got my happiness or confidence just by being with them. (Plus – because I just wanted to not be alone – I would date the first guy interested in me, and I can tell you how many times that worked out – exactly zero.)

At the ripe old age of twenty-three I had this epiphany and realized I was a walking “before” commercial for eHarmony. I kept looking around me like a crazy woman, like THE ONE was going to walk past me, that would have been my one chance, and I would NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. I’ve always heard that you always find someone when you stop looking, and I remember asking people, “How do I stop looking when that’s what I want?”

The thing is, it’s not about the looking. Looking takes time and energy, and you lose sight of reality and the present. And if your idea of THE ONE is very specific, you miss out on everyone else who doesn’t fit in that picture. And if it doesn’t, you pick up every piece of dirt just in case one of them turns out not to be an asshole after all. What I realized is that it’s about simply letting things happen. Whether it’s God or karma or fate or simply being in the same place in your life as someone else, eventually someone will show up. It hasn’t happened to me yet, but seeing as I’m not twenty-five yet, I doubt that if I live to eighty that I will spend the next fifty-five years listening to “One Is The Loneliest Number” and crying over bridal magazines.

One day I’ll be married, and I’ll have kids screaming and debt and fights and be overworked and I’ll think, “Fuck. I miss the days back in my twenties when I was single and went to shows and bought fifty dollars shirts.” And being in that place right now may be a little bit lonely, but it’s still pretty awesome.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 4:39 pm 1 comment


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