Archive for August, 2008

What’s that, you whippersnapper?

I celebrated my 25th birthday a couple of weeks ago. I have discovered that I tend to follow a pattern of drunken stage on a regular basis, though not always in a specific order. These were the stages I noted on my birthday (as best as I can remember and from what I’ve heard from bystanders):

  • Chatty. This stage is characterized by a desire to talk to all persons within a square mile, particularly those who are sober and will consequently remember self behaving in annoying and embarrassing manner.
  • “I’m not drunk.” Similar to “chatty,” but includes a need to engage in serious and philosophical discussions, none of which make sense or will be remembered the next day.
  • Bitey. Perhaps brain is shutting down and reverting to primitive, zombie-like behavior?
  • Bumpin’ and grindin’. Completely inappropriate dance moves with members of the same sex and male acquaintances. Stage features a complete lack of modesty and rhythm.
  • Emotional. This stage features not only a deep love and attachment with those around self, but also a need to discuss current and past love affairs, specifically unrequited crushes. Frequently dotted with moans of, “Why doesn’t he LIKE me?” and “Oh, GOD, I am so flawed.”
  • Inappropriate usage of furniture. Examples include dancing on chairs, crawling on pool tables, and trying to sleep.
  • Garblity gook. Doees no longger mak sense fo wirds.
  • Anhedonia. Complete loss of interest. Will frequently resort to sitting quietly in chair and lip-syncing to jukebox.
  • Fall over. Stage quickly follows “anhedonia.” Characterized by falling out of chair and eventual sleeping on other people’s couches.
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Monday, August 25, 2008 at 3:36 am Leave a comment


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